Following my happiness (It's you)
by lovelylouis
Summary: Labels such as girlfriend, lover, and partner always bothered him. He prefers relationships without any attachments. However, Marlene doesn't quite fall in the category of a fling. Sirius wonders if it's time to let his fear go. Quidditch League S5 R1. Open ending.


**A/N:** This was rather difficult for me to write because this ship isn't exactly my favorite (more of a NOTP), but it was the one I could bear from the all the other choices. So, naturally, I proceeded to write almost 3k. XD

 **Written For:** The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition

 **Round 1**

 **Team:** Holyhead Harpies

 **Position:** Chaser 3 {NOTP of Chaser 1: Sirius/Marlene}

 **Prompts:** [Phrase] Over the Moon, [Song] Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez, [Object] Broken Wine Glass

 **Word Count: 2,978**

 **Thank you to my wonderful beta's: Sam (MissingMommy), Shannon (JailyForever), and Bex (DobbyRocksSocks)!**

 **Disclaimer:** Nope. Never Have, Never Will.

* * *

 **Following my happiness (It's you)**

* * *

 _ **Present Day: McKinnon's Residence**_

The air hangs dry and cold in the night.

The black canvas above glitters with stars, emitting their soft light like fireflies. Muffled laughter travels from inside the house to his ears where he stands on the porch, still and waiting. Warmth radiates from the small, but cozy, home and it makes him realize how cool the night air really is. Shivers make their way down his spine the longer he's outside. The cold breeze has him tugging his jacket closer to his body as if the piece of leather can provide any comfort or semblance of heat to him.

Lips part open only to close soon after, eyebrows furrow in confusion, hands open and close into fists, and still, Sirius seems unable to formulate a coherent sentence— any word at all–in the tense situation. A humorless laugh cuts through the air like a knife; all sharp and pitched.

"Oh, Merlin, you can't be serious!" Marlene snaps, body trembling and eyes watering. She angrily stuffs her hands in the pocket of her hoodie, hunching her shoulders forward, and letting her hair cascade like a curtain in front of her. His fingers twitch by his side, wanting to reach forward and sweep the hair behind her ear. He wants to wrap his arms around her and whisper that everything will be okay as he rubs soothing circles on her back. He wants to do so much, but all he does is stand there, frozen like an audience before a horror film, waiting for the action to commence, and watch sweet, beautiful Marlene's face twist in anger.

"I'm asking for one small thing, not a billion dollars! It's not a declaration of your eternal love. It's only one word. Would it kill you, Sirius? Would it really?" Her lips press together in a thin line almost making them seem nonexistent. Her voice and body tremble with rage. "I'm not asking for your hand in marriage or even a promise of forever. I'm just asking for us to be a _thing_. For us to be something _real_. I'm not going to be one of your flings or a ' _friend with benefits'._ I'm much classier than that, and I thought you knew as much as that."

"You're not a friend with benefits," he speaks quickly. "You're my . . ."

And like every other conversation they've had, Sirius lets the words trail off. He curses under his breath. Why can't he say it? It's on the tip of his tongue. Girlfriend. Lover. Partner. Those words never fail to leave a terrible taste in his mouth.

She lets out a huge sigh, closing her eyes and leaning against the door. "Save it. I don't want to hear it."

"We're -"

The charming words that always flow so easily out of his mouth fail him. It's as if there's a ball stuck in his throat making him unable to speak. One look at her face and he knows it's impossible to say the same words he told several others. He can't gloss the topic. "It's not-"

"What are you so afraid of?" Marlene whispers, her voice watery and small. Unease settles deep in his stomach. He never wanted to see Marlene McKinnon, the strongest girl he knows, vulnerable. It kills him that it's his fault causing her to act this way. "I like you. I really, _really_ like you. I ... I can't believe I'm saying this." She laughs, tears spilling on her red hoodie and wooden boards, "I'm over the moon for you, Sirius. But I thought you liked me, too. I can't be in this weird limbo— this uncertainty— especially not in times like these."

Sirius steps forward, eyes filled with desperation just like his voice. "I do, Marlene, I like you too." It doesn't escape his notice that she flinches. "I like you so much. Please, don't do this."

The hesitation in her expression is clear as day, but she shakes her head and turns her back on him. His heart pounds in his ears and he can barely register how hoarse his voice sounds when he cries out _Marlene_. She gives him a dreamy smile right before she opens the door. The same dreamy smile which makes him weak in the knees and leaves him breathless.

"Come to me when you're ready to say yes. Face your inner fears and demons, Sirius. This is goodbye for now." She twists the doorknob and with a voice so quiet that he has to strain his ears in order to hear it, she whispers, "I'll be waiting."

Sirius wants to scream and punch something. He likes Marlene, maybe he even loves her, but he couldn't say anything to her. He couldn't bring himself to finally put a label on them. It isn't her. It's _him_ as cliche as it sounds. It's all of his irrational childhood fears. His dysfunctional family which warped his concept of relationships.

He stalks towards his motorcycle and heads towards the nearest bar he could find. It's in there that he drowns in his sorrows.

* * *

 _ **Age 9: 12 Grimmauld Place**_

He wasn't supposed to be downstairs that night. Kreacher had left him tucked in bed, but he had gotten thirsty sometime in the night. Making his way as quietly as he could he trekked downstairs. Sirius was confused and scared when he spotted light coming from the dining room. After all, he wasn't supposed to get out of bed past his bedtime and he'd get in big trouble if his mother or father saw him. Sirius tiptoed down the hall and peered into the room through the small crack in between the door and the doorframe. He frowned when he saw his mother sitting alone at the table with Kreacher standing dutifully by her side. She was dressed up in an elegant green, silky dress, holding a cigar in her right hand. The table was filled with fancy dishes and not a single one was touched.

Walburga took a long drag of her cigar and let out a steady line of smoke circles. "Leave the wine, but take the rest of the food away. He's too late."

Kreacher nodded, magicking the food away with a single snap of his fingers. "As you wish, Mistress Black."

"As I wish," she echoed, mockery and bitterness laced her voice. "Of course, I don't wish this! How could I possible want my husband to miss our date? He said he'd be here, and I actually _believed_ the filthy scumbag."

Sirius remained frozen at the door, unsure of what was happening.

"That oh so dear _husband_ of mine is with that bitch again," she spat, lips curled in an angry scowl. "I don't care if they fuck or not on a daily basis, but this was our night. And, of course, he's four hours late! If his _toy_ had asked him, the bastard would've been there early."

Walburga placed her cigar to the side and started taking deep breaths to calm herself. She ranted more and more about his _worthless_ father and how he needed to more _discreet_ lest the other families find out. Words raced around in Sirius' mind too big for him to able to comprehend. He didn't know where his father was and why his mother was so angry; all he knew was that he didn't want to hear anymore.

On shaky legs, he tried to move away from the crack of the door, but a small pop sounded followed by his mother's thundering voice.

"How nice of you to finally show up!" She stood up, clutching the table with both arms. Her nails piercing their delicate fabric. "Did you forget what day it is? What we had planned for today?"

His father sighed heavily. "Was today another dinner?" He shrugged, taking off his coat jacket. His collared shirt was wrinkled and it seemed like he had been bitten by lots of bugs since his neck was all purple. Sirius thought his neck must've been itching. "We'll reschedule it. Whilst I don't see the point of these dates, I'll continue to humor you, Walburga."

Sirius cowered as his mother grabbed a wine glass from the table and flung it at his father. His father simply stepped to the side and let the glass smash against the wall.

Sirius remained rooted to the spot for the remainder of their argument and only left when it seemed his father was coming his way. His legs couldn't have carried him faster to his room. He quickly slipped into his bed and under his covers, his eyes wide and mind blown.

He didn't go to sleep that night.

* * *

 _ **Present Time: Muggle bar 'The Crow'**_

Intoxication creeps up on him quickly. His mind blurs childhood memories together, but a recurring one of his mother and father arguing persists. It's not even the same memory. It's different memories that surface and combine into a ginormous one. Memories of his mother throwing objects at his father. Memories of lying awake at night and hearing his father come home at odd hours of the night and early morning. Memories of his mother, father, Regulus, and himself posing for a family portrait of which Orion showed up late. Memories of his mother burning their family portrait after his father's mistress became pregnant. Memories of Walburga installing her very own self-portrait in its place which screamed almost every other night. Memories of Walburga having affairs of her own. Then the realization that most other pureblood families were the same except it was apparently a taboo topic.

He groans, letting his head hit the table. He's perfectly content to wallow in his own misery. Of course, his mind refuses to let him which he's upset about. Honestly, isn't his mind supposed to cease functioning right about now?

"What's eating you up, son?" the bartender asks, not unkindly. Sirius glances up and attempts to smile though it ends up as a grimace. "Ah, love troubles."

"How do you know?" Sirius flushes as the man tips his head. "Is it obvious? Am I obvious?"

The bartender shakes his head and laughs. "Look at me, boy. I've been bartending for years. I know love troubles when I see them."

"Save your breath," Sirius mumbles. "It's a hopeless situation." _I'm hopeless._

The bartender grins. "Nothing's hopeless if you try. Just ask yourself whether you really care for them and the answer will come to you. Don't be afraid and take the jump."

The man's ridiculous if he thinks that's going to break Sirius' fear. Of course right when Sirius is about to respond, the bartender goes to another customer. But then his words swirl around his mind.

He's scared. Sirius is so, so scared of ruining what he has with Marlene that he doesn't even want to _try_. That is, if he hasn't already ruined it. It's just that . . . he's not sure if he's ready for something serious. He's not sure if he's ready to be in a relationship. Relationships don't work. He knows this for a fact. All of the couples around him have eventually broken up or ended up in an awful marriage. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with Marlene if they're not going to work out in the end. He doesn't want the heartbreak that follows a breakup.

He doesn't want to be like his father.

Marlene is _wonderful_ , and she actually likes him. He likes her, too. But he's _scared_ after hearing his mother say over and over again that he's just like his father. To the point where he doesn't let himself open up completely to someone because he's afraid they'll make the connection. His father was scum, and he doesn't ever want to be like Orion.

But . . . what if he is? What if his mother was right about him all along? He laughs bitterly, tears pricking at his eyes. Relationships don't work, though he can't help but wonder if they did work.

He can't help but wonder how it would be like to wake up in the mornings and know that Marlene McKinnon was only his. He can't help but wonder how it would feel like to go around announcing that Marlene McKinnon was his _girlfriend_ and _lover_. Sirius, honest to God, can't help but wonder how long their relationship would last. Would they grow up to be old together surrounded by their children and grandchildren? Or would they date for weeks, or even months, before she finally realizes how worthless he is and how she deserves someone much better than a useless Black?

It scares him that he wants to try and find out. It scares him to realize that he's grown to like her so much.

* * *

 _ **Age 17: Hogwarts Grounds**_

Sirius grinned as soon as he spotted Marlene sitting down under a tree with a book. She looked so peaceful and he was almost regretting his decision of walking over there. Almost being the key word.

"Just the girl I've been dying to see," he spoke, winking when she looked up at him. She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly but the smile forming across her lips was fond. "I have a bone to pick with you."

"And that would be?"

"Out of all the women here, you've yet to go on a date with me," Sirius answered with a matter of fact tone. He laughed and sat down in front of her. "Obviously, I felt that must be dealt with immediately."

"Ah, this is your ego speaking. I would say I'd think about it, but my answer's no."

Sirius whined, placing a hand over his heart. "You hurt me, love. Here I was thinking we had something special."

"Well, you thought wrong," she quipped back, opening her book.

Sirius hummed thoughtfully, even going as far as to hold his chin. He looked at Marlene and smiled. "Then I guess I'll just have to woo you."

Marlene peeked at him and smirked. "You can try."

Well, Sirius was always up for a challenge. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I didn't know what perfect was until I met you."

There was a pregnant pause before she burst out laughing. Sirius would've been taken aback if her eyes weren't filled with mirth.

"That is your daily pickup line for today, milady," he said, standing up and bowing dramatically before leaving her. He could still hear her giggle and he'd never realized how nice her laugh was until this moment.

.oOo.

The daily pickup lines continued and each time Sirius realized another thing that he liked about Marlene.

He liked the way she laughed. How her face scrunched up and how she laughed from her gut that he was left in awe. He liked her generosity. How she always made room in her schedule to mentor the younger students and help them in any way she could, even himself when he needed help. He liked her determination. How she poured herself into her studies when it became difficult and how she managed to overcome any obstacles, that all Sirius could do was quietly support her from the side and refill her coffee. He liked her quirks. How she tried to avoid any cracks in the concrete lest her mother break her back and how she stuck out her tongue if she was focused. He liked many things about her, but he would guess he liked how real she was. How she never tried to pretend to be someone she wasn't.

He wondered when she stopped being a challenge and became so much more.

.oOo.

It was days like these when Sirius wanted time to stop so he could savor every second of their time together. Days when they lazed around together outside, laying side by side, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Days when they could just enjoy each other's presence without having any need to speak. It's nice and different. It was something Sirius never thought he would enjoy.

Marlene, having been worn down by Sirius's persistence a long time ago, turned her head and smiled dreamily. His chest felt warm and full at the sight. His brain urged him to run his fingers against Marlene's cheeks, to feel the warmth of her skin, so he did. She leaned into his touch and his heart did somersaults. They both leaned in and their lips brushed for a second before they pulled apart. He chuckled breathlessly and she laughed loudly.

"What are we?" she asked, eyes hopeful and wide.

Sirius' throat dried up and he cleared his throat. "Can't we stay like this?" he whispered hoarsely, unable to raise his voice louder.

"That's not an answer."

"I'm over the moon for you," he desperately responded, his eyes pleading. "Is that not enough?"

Marlene looked disappointed, but she nodded. Sirius wanted to ease her worries, but his chest constricted at the thought and he pushed it aside. They were okay for now.

They were okay, but for how long?

* * *

 _ **Present Time: Potter Residence, Early Morning, A Week Later**_

After an intense battle, Sirius realizes there might not be any other opportunity for him. It comes to him after seeing James and Lily embrace each other with soft murmurs of reassurance and love. Death is at every corner. There's no time to stall. He Apparates to Marlene's house the first chance he gets. He spent so much time debating on letting himself have a chance that he's like a dying man.

When he gets there, he's immediately on alert. The sky is gloomy and the warmth that once surrounded the house is gone. The door is wide open. Sirius feels his heart drop to his stomach. He wants them to be a _thing_. He wants happiness, and his happiness is with her. He can only hope he's not too late.

You see, he loves her, and he's finally ready to say _yes._


End file.
